This is deep, man
one of the greatest piece of information taught to me in life was from a fucking deranged talking baboon
Its one of those nights were you know you wont sleep because your so upset. So many things on my mind that no one knows… not even my roommates or closest friends. but im so good at acting like im happy that its second nature. Sometimes i fool myself, and i start being happy when i was just acting but life never fails to put me in my place.
And im sure this sounds stupid… to be completely honest this is just for me. I don’t expect anyone to even understand what im saying but if you do that’s great (or not). Also if you want to un-follow me that’s fine too… i just have this profile in order to post my feelings and save some funny stuff anyway.
I dont know why I feel like this. This feeling that no matter what i do it is useless. Almost every night i contemplate the vast majority of unsolved questions that living poses. Why?
Why am i here? why do i and everyone i love has to die? Why do so many good people get hurt trying to do the right thing? Why is it that if there is a god, can he let all this horrid shit happen? How can he not show himself. What is it about me that is so fucked up that even my own family cant stand me? Why is it that the only person that loves me is across the country? When did doing the right thing not matter? When was it ok to walk over others in order to make yourself feel good, be ok? Why is it so hard for me to just see the good in myself?
Like i have always tried to do the right thing. No matter what was going on in my life i have always TRIED. I never smoked, i dont drink, i have never cheated on anyone ( I have only been in 2 relationships and the first one was something out of a horror film. The second one is the one im currently in.) I have saved myself for that one special person. I have always tried to be friendly to everyone until they made me change my mind. I try and help people every day, wether its a small deed or not. Like im not saying that im an angel, i mess up and do stupid shit like anyone, but i try super hard to be a good person.
I have been through alot of shit in my life. And im sure your reading this thinking, everyone has problems and thats life, and you would be right, but i cant let go of anything that has happened. Every second of every day i carry the weight of the past on my shoulders. I think about how my parents separated when i was 4. How my moms first husband killed himself before abusing the entire family. I cant forget every time one of my moms bf’s told me im nothing. I especially cant forget that the person she married after everything that has happened treats me like im nothing. I dont understand how a grown ass man can threaten a kid and sleep at night. i have heard every single horrible thing a person can say to another from a guy that is supposed to be helping me move to the next stage of my life. I didnt use to think anything bad about myself… but hearing it for years on end from adults can change your perception easily. My real dad used to always be the person i went to and whether he realised it or not he made me the person i am today. He is a great person. But ever sense i can remember he has always been hard on me with my grades in school. ( i never got good grades in school because i didnt apply myself as much as i could have because i didnt care. i was being insulted everyday anyway.. what did it matter.) In high school we got into an arguement and i was walking past him to leave the house… he thought i was trying to fight and he pushed me. At that moment everything i thought about my dad changed. He became just another guy that shits on me.. even if he is a good dad or not. i didnt talk to him after that for a long long time.
I met a girl online that i thought was my one and only. I gave my heart and soul to that girl. I litterally would have died for her at any moment. I did many things that i will always regret untill the day i die for her. She was a cutter and she wanted me to save her. I tried as hard as i could and i bawled many times begging her not too. in the end i was the one that started hurting so that she didnt have too. And after everything i did for her and everything i gave for her… she didnt give a shit about me. she was playing behind my back, acting like she died and was in the hospital when she wasnt.
That was the hardest point in my life and i pushed everyone away. I couldnt handle it anymore. i dropped out of college and went back home to where i was imprisoned in my room because if i went out of my room my moms husband would try to talk shit and fight me. i would only go downstairs when it was 3 in the morning. To make things worse my ex gf falsely called the cops on me for trying to kill myself … when i wasnt… i was just laying in bed in the morning when i was takken away by the police in the morning in handcuffs. They took me to a hospital and figured out that it was all a lie. they let me go and i went home… later that night my moms husband called his volunteer cop friend over to threaten me and he told me they could keep me for weeks. when i DIDNT DO ANYTHING. my mom was drunk so she couldnt do anything or remember like usual.
AFTER ALL the shit i have been through i am back in college and i am getting straight A’s and im trying so hard. Yet my real father, now that im doing well in school has abandoned me because i dont talk to him enough and my uncle that i looked up to the most unfriended me.
i dont get why i cant do anything right in my fucking life.
like the only good thing i have right now is my gf which means the world to me. she doesnt know how much i love her even though i try to show her.
everything else in my life right now feels like its just falling apart. My dad messages me and puts me down and my ex calls me trying to get back to gether even though im with someone else now. It doesnt help that one of my roommates constantly acts like he is always right and always makes fun of me. and whenever i do something i am happy about he always puts me down or discredits it. I want to just say fuck you man you dont know what i have been through but i dont want to go through all of that. he will most likely have some smartass comment to retort with anyway.
when ever i feel i have the resolve to change my life something happens to push me down and im honestly too tired to keep getting back up. Like what is the point of all of this. I am just going to die anyway right? and im not saying that like i want to kill myself…. because i dont… but i dont understand this life. I dont understand why i am constantly put down or worse.
i have spent probably 3 or so hours just typing this even though it is probably riddled with mistakes… but its hard to type when your trying not to bawl and wake your roomate up that is sleeping acouple feet away.
I cant sleep. like…. i dont even know what i am doing anymore.
I miss my gf. i wish we lived in the same state… i wish that we could comfort eachother 247 and just fucking snuggle.. /cry
i am done with this useless rant.
sincerely nobody special.
classmate took a pic while we were on a mission for art supplies. Im the one in the middle.